Selfish
by Litanya
Summary: [Brothersister fic] Sometimes, when the guilt is overwhelming you and you cannot understand yourself anymore, it's good to talk to someone just like you...


Litanya: This is the first time I have finished the fic before writing this introduction here. Umm… firstly and most importantly, this is the second belated birthday fic for Steph. I'm really sorry it's over a month late, but I hope you forgive me and enjoy it. Secondly… this was kind o hard to write. Some of this is based on my own experience. I'm kind of like Taichi in this fic, except I have more siblings. Umm… I don't own Digimon!

_**Selfish**_

It was the first time he had visited her. He stood outside of her room, his hand on the door handle, unable to move. He wanted to see her, but at the same time, he just wanted to be at home. He felt guilty about that, but it just hurt so much. He tried to disconnect himself from his emotions, but it didn't work entirely.

"Taichi, you can open the door now," his father told him softly, knowing that this was hard on his teenage son. His daughter Hikari seemed to be dealing with all of this very well. She had been here quite a few times, but Taichi had hidden within himself ever since this had started.

"Yeah, I know. I was just admiring the door handle," Taichi said in a light voice, trying to sound unaffected by all of this. His father sighed to himself. He was worried about his son. Just because you could ignore the hurt didn't mean that it would ever go away. He wanted his son to confront the matter, but instead he was just running away from it.

Taichi took a deep breath before he pushed the handle down and entered the room. It was a small room, naturally, and it was completely white. It almost blinded him, as the window was open and bright sunlight was reflecting off the walls. He focused on the walls first, but they were pristine and he knew that if he continued to stare at the wall, he would be considered the crazy one. There was a vase of flowers on a cabinet next to the bed- the bright yellow daffodils being the only intense colour in the room. Once he had studied the room, his eyes finally fell on the bed, and most importantly, the person in it.

His mother had always been such a normal figure to him. Yes, she did tend to have an obsession with cleaning, she thought that everyone was out to get her and she did enjoy making him lose his temper, but he had considered that normal. She had been sick before in his life. When he had been eight years old, his father had told them that their mother was having an operation on her arm. He had found out a year later that she had actually been having cancer removed from her breast. At the time he had been too young to go and actually visit her in hospital, and she had been too sick. The chemotherapy had lasted a while, and she had always been tired. But cancer was a disease that people couldn't control. With this disease, he wasn't so sure.

His mother was sitting up, a small smile gracing her features as they entered. The white sheets covered her body, which seemed almost flat against the bed. He was glad, and for that he was ashamed. He didn't want to see her body; didn't want to see the rubbery skin that was stretched taut over bones that stuck out like speed bumps. He was ashamed because he wasn't supposed to think things like that, but he couldn't help it. It was a defense mechanism- if he didn't see it, it wasn't happening.

Her face couldn't be hidden, and it showed the facts that he desperately didn't want to know. Her cheeks were hollow and pale, her eyes seemed to sink into her face and she didn't seem to have a chin anymore. Her smile was delicate, fragile and it looked as though it cost her all of her energy. A drip was attached to one of her skeletal arms, and… she just looked undead to him.

"Hey guys, so what's up in the outside world?" even her voice lacked strength. Taichi pasted on his grin and pretended not to see the deterioration going on in front of him.

"You mean the world of _normal_ people right?" he joked, knowing that his mother understood. She made jokes as a part of her defense mechanism too, mostly about how she had now become certifiably insane. Deep down he knew that she wasn't accepting what was happening to her and so that was a bad thing, but he needed her jokes. He needed her to be normal again.

"Taichi's just being stupid Mum, don't listen to him," Hikari said calmly, throwing her brother a dirty look which he ignored, "We're all fine. How are you?" It irked him that she was handling this situation better than he was. Hikari had always had a sense of right and wrong, and she could also read most people like an open book. She seemed to know that their mother would be fine. He couldn't allow himself to be so sure.

"Oh you know I'm perfectly fine. They keep on sticking me in sessions with these teenage girls who are all about to fall over they're so skinny. I don't understand why they put me with them- I'm completely different to them," he tuned out as she went on to explain why she was different. He couldn't trust himself to stay quiet if he listened. He concentrated on the flowers. They were so bright, so vibrant that he couldn't understand how they could survive in the room.

"Taichi? Your mother was asking you about soccer," his father said hesitantly, now more than a little worried that his son wasn't dealing with this properly. He jerked his attention away from the flowers and back onto what he was supposed to be watching.

"Sorry, I just hate the smell of hospitals and the flowers smell nice," it was a lame excuse, but he could see his mother trying to believe it, "Soccer is going well. My team is winning a lot. I scored three goals in my last game." He didn't mention that he had been practicing extra hard for the past few weeks because he knew that she would know why. He was trying to keep busy because if he was busy, he didn't think. She would know that if he told her.

"That's good. I'll be there for your next game, I promise," he winced inwardly. It was these kinds of false promises that hurt the most, because they all knew that she wouldn't be there. And he childishly blamed her for that.

"Now honey, Taichi knows that it's important for you to be here. He doesn't mind you missing his games- he's seventeen now. He probably likes not having us there," he forced himself to nod in agreement to his father's words, but it wasn't even close to the truth. He loved his parents and he just wanted them to be able to come to his games and be home for dinner and… and just _be there_ when he needed them. Hikari was nodding too, and smiling what looked to be a real smile. She was only fourteen, and yet she acted so much older.

"Yeah Mum, we know that you need to be here so you can be better to come to all of the important events in our lives. Soccer games and music concerts are just trivial things really," she said, and he could almost see the invisible halo glowing around her head. She gave him a look that told him that he needed to say something, but he couldn't find the words.

She was wrong. Soccer games and music concerts were not trivial- they were the events that were important to them and so they should therefore be important to their mother. He knew that he was looking at things as though he was a child, but he couldn't help it. He didn't know how he was supposed to act. All he knew was that his mother wasn't eating and as a consequence she was falling apart. He was falling apart.

He didn't talk much for the remainder of the visit.

* * *

"Taichi, can I have a word with you for a minute?" he stopped in his tracks and made a face. Luckily the teacher was behind him, as he had been just about to exit his science classroom. Sora Takenouchi and Yamato Ishida, his two best friends, sent him sympathetic looks.

"We'll wait for you outside," Sora told him quickly, before she nodded towards the door and she and Yamato left. Taichi sighed quietly to himself before whirling around to face his science teacher. She was very short, with chin-length grey hair that looked eerily like a wig. She was the coordinator for his year level as well as a science teacher. Her voice reminded him of chalk, but he wasn't sure why. She gestured to a seat in the front row, and he took it reluctantly. He knew what this would be about.

"I'm sorry to keep you Taichi, but I want to talk to you about what is going on at your home. How are you feeling about all of that?" she was being sympathetic. He hated sympathy. It was the way that her eyes seemed to shine that bothered him. It wasn't her mother so why was she so upset about it? He managed to keep a hold of his temper by telling himself that it was amusing watching her try to comfort him.

"I'm fine about all of it. It's a little hard sometimes, but we're getting through it," he inwardly laughed as she ate his words up. She would start clucking like a mother hen soon if she wasn't careful.

"That's good to hear that everything is alright. But if you are having any problems, you are more than welcome to come and talk to either myself or one of your other teachers about it. We understand that you might not have time to complete homework or study with what's going on, but please let us know if that is the case. You won't get in trouble," this was getting really good. Now he didn't have to do all of his homework… too bad he had already done it all the night before, during a bout of insomnia.

"Thanks. I'll remember that," he started to drift towards the door, and she seemed to suddenly realize that he didn't want to be there.

"Good. I'll see you tomorrow for class. Have a good day," she seemed to want to say more, but she held whatever it was back. Taichi just nodded before leaving the room, feeling tremendously relieved.

"What did she want?" Yamato asked curiously as the three of them began to walk to their lockers. Taichi grinned, trying to forget about the seriousness of the conversation to focus on the good things.

"I now have a good reason to skip my homework!" he said enthusiastically, staring straight ahead so that he wouldn't see the concerned look shared by his two friends. Before either of them could say anything he pretended to see something interesting and ran in that general direction. He had had as much sympathy as he could handle for the day.

* * *

'_The fall of the Qing Dynasty in China in 1911 was inevitable.' To what extent do you agree with this statement?_

The words blurred on the page and he rubbed his eyes angrily. He had to concentrate. Yes, they had told him that he didn't need to hand his work in on time, but he _had_ to do this essay. If he could concentrate on the failings of the Qing government, then he wouldn't be thinking about his mother. He couldn't think about her. The words blurred again, and he realized that it was because tears were trying to fall.

He had no idea why he was crying. The fall of the Qing Dynasty wasn't that sad, was it? He knew the answer to that. He had started to think about his mother again. He felt guilty. He hadn't really noticed when she had stopped eating enough- mainly because he had seen her eat. But then, slowly, the amount of food she ate had decreased. For reasons unbeknownst to him even now, he hadn't been too concerned. Then she had collapsed, and even then he hadn't really bothered much about it. Yes, it had scared him a little, but he lived in his own little world. As long as something didn't destroy anything in his world, he didn't care about it. Unfortunately, his mother's illness was destroying his carefully constructed play.

Sometimes, and he hated himself when it happened, he wished that she would jut disappear. If she died or left, then he could glue his world back together and he wouldn't have to worry that it was in danger. It was a horrible thought and he wished that he never thought about it, but he couldn't help it. He needed to have control, and by being anorexic, his mother was taking control of a major part of his life. He loved her more than he had ever thought possible- the bond between child and parent is extremely strong- and he didn't want her to die but…

He angrily wiped the tears from his eyes and stared at the paper again. The Qing Dynasty had many faults. They had ignored the reality of their situation, and as a result they had fallen to a rebellion. Taichi knew he had many faults too. He was selfish, maybe as selfish as the Qing family had been when they wanted to keep their power exclusively. Did that mean that he was going to fall? He shook his head to dispel the thoughts. When had he ever reflected like this on a piece of History homework?

"Taichi, you've been staring at that page for an hour now," his sister's soft voice interrupted his thoughts and he jumped involuntarily. He hadn't even realized that his sister had come home. She had gone to the hospital to visit their mother again. He had used his homework as an excuse.

"When did you get home?" she raised an eyebrow and dropped to sit down on his bed.

"We got home a while ago. Like I said, you've been staring at that page for an hour. What's wrong? Something on your mind?" he wished that she wouldn't do that. He didn't feel like an in-depth discussion with her at the moment. He pushed his paper away and stood up from his desk, stretching.

"You know me Hikari I can never concentrate on my work. I just need a break- I've been working since I got home from school," he made sure that he avoided eye-contact and he pasted on his grin. She didn't look very impressed.

"You've been crying," she told him in a voice that warned against arguments, "What's wrong? Are you worried about Mum?" He sighed and dropped back down onto his desk chair. He swung himself around slowly, forcing the chair around as far as it would go.

"I haven't really been thinking about anything," he replied truthfully. He had been _avoiding_ thinking about their mother after all. She narrowed her eyes, not convinced with his answer.

"Why won't you go and see Mum?" he sighed in frustration. Why didn't she get it that he didn't want to talk about it?

"Why don't you understand me?" he really hadn't meant to say that. She looked surprised and also a little hurt. He had said it harshly too. He felt extremely guilty, but he didn't retract the question.

"I just don't understand why you can't bear to see Mum! Are you that ashamed of her?" it was his turn to be shocked. Did she really think that he was ashamed?

"You-you think I'm ashamed of her? You think that I'm _embarrassed_ by her? You really think that that is why I don't visit her? What kind of selfish bastard do you think I am Hikari?" anger was the easiest way to deal with this. If he was angry then he didn't have to talk to her and the conversation would end. He didn't look at his sister because he knew that there would be tears in her eyes, and he could never handle seeing her cry.

"No, but I thought that you could be. _I_ am the one who is embarrassed by her. _I'm_ the one who wishes that she would get better quickly so then all of my friends don't think that she is a crack-pot. _I'm_ the one who is embarrassed by all of this. You are the good child, the one who actually cares more about his mother's health than their own selfish needs!" he hadn't seen her this upset since their pet cat had died. To say that he was shocked was an understatement. He had never even thought that she could be feeling like that.

Hikari had always been his innocent little sister who acted older than her age. She cared about absolutely everyone and she always put them before herself. She wasn't like normal girls- she was special. But somewhere along the way, he had forgotten that she was only human, he supposed. He jumped up off his chair and sat down next to her on his bed. He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her to him as she broke down. He should have remembered that she was only human.

"It's absolutely normal to feel embarrassed about her," he said quietly as she sobbed on his shoulder, "She's mental, insane. I guess I am a little ashamed of her, but I can't go to see her because I… I'm so selfish I guess. She has destroyed all of the control I had over my life just with one action, and I resent her for that. I love her, but she has ripped my world apart and so I can't bear to go see her. I pretend that if I can't see it then it's not happening. You are much better than me Hikari- at least you're trying to help her." His voice was strangely choked up and the tears were falling again.

"She's going to get better, right?" the desperation in her voice made him switch to big-brother-who-is-always-right mode.

"Of course she is. She is just a little sick now, but she'll be back to her normal complaining self soon enough," her tears were stopping and she was beginning to breathe normally.

"Thanks Taichi. Are you going to come see her tomorrow?" he thought about it for only a millisecond.

"Yeah, I'll come see her," his sister managed a weak smile before exiting the room. He sat back and stared at his essay. Suddenly he knew just what to write…

The End…

Litanya: I hope you enjoyed this fic. I love brother-sister fics! Anyway, have a good night/day/afternoon/evening/morning etc!


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